


A Little Bit In Love

by dimetrium



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-27 20:03:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20766167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimetrium/pseuds/dimetrium
Summary: Tobin knows she has feelings for Christen. She isn't sure how to go about telling her though, so she "practices" on a late night car drive while Christen is asleep.Partly inspired by the song 90 Days by Pink and Wrabel





	1. Tobin I

_Tobin I_

I’m driving and it’s late at night. She’s tired from her game up at Seattle. I played a home game yesterday, but I made the drive to watch her today. It’s only a few hours after all.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see she’s asleep against the window. Christen’s music is still playing faintly though. I recognize the song, but not the name or who sings it. The screen on the dash of the car tell me it’s “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman. Not the type of music I would usually listen to, but something about Christen liking it, makes me like it a little more. It’s soft in the background, but still it’s the only noise I hear other than the car out on these empty roads.

I think about the things that have been popping into my head when I’m around her lately. Just being around her, seeing that smile, it makes me happy. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to tell her what I’ve been thinking because I don’t want to ruin what we have. I’m still kind of scared of these feelings, and their mine. Would they scare her away if she knew?

We both have a few free days, for once, and she told me she wanted to see Portland. I had been talking about it a lot, yeah. Getting to spend the next few days with her, all to myself, seems like a dream. I love our teammates, but this is something I’ve wanted for a while.

Even after a game, Christen still looks great. She always knows how to dress and look put together. I realize I’m just wearing a plain white T-shirt. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. My white shoes have some dirt on them. I don’t like that. Shoes are the one part of how I dress that I care about. I do have her jacket on though. I wasn’t cold. I almost never am, but she said she didn’t want me to be later. I like it, the way it looks and feels. I would never be able to pick it out at a store and see that though, like she can.

She looks so peaceful sleeping. I find myself smiling a little while I steal glances, trying to keep my eyes mostly on the road too. Reality crashes into me though. I keep thinking, what if I can have more? And the thought of being more than just a best friend, makes what we have seem not enough for me anymore. Its torment, and it makes me sad. I’m not crying, but I turn my head a bit, like I’m trying to hide my face. It’s dumb. She’s not even awake.

Yeah, she’s not awake. I could say anything right now, and she would never actually hear it. Maybe saying what I am thinking could be like a test run, to see how it feels to say it out loud. I wouldn’t play a game without showing up to practice. Yeah, it’s just like that. I start talking. It’s my thoughts out loud.

“Uh… well I guess you can’t hear me right now. You and me, we’ve gotten pretty close. You’re my best friend.”

That test of the waters felt okay. I keep going.

“But it’s been a while now... and it’s kind of fucked up. Well, maybe it isn’t. You probably don’t think that. Or maybe you do. I don’t know. That’s why I need to tell you this. I know I’m not telling you _right_ now ‘cause you’re sleeping, but I probably will, like actually, eventually. It’s killing me inside keeping this all to myself. You might not want to see me as much anymore, cause it like, might be awkward, but whatever. I know, I know, I’m stalling so I’ll just get to it.”

I think to myself, wow, I’m not great at talking, but I continue anyway.

“I think I might be a little bit in love with you.” I pause for a moment and look over at her. Christen hasn’t even twitched. Still eyes closed, sleeping.

“I feel it every day. I think of you every day. I never thought of this happening to me, but it did... It’s got me in pieces. I don’t know how you’ll react if I actually tell you. And you know, my whole family is Christian too. God is important to them, to me too, so that’s a thing I’ll have to work out too. And I’m sorry because maybe this isn’t something you want to hear. I just want to fix this, you know, get back to feeling normal around you, just to enjoy being around you. And I have to get this off my chest to do that.

If you don’t feel the same way, which you probably don’t, that’s okay. I just had to let you know… one way or the other. Just... just... let me know so I can get through this. Please don’t be mad. I know I’m Tough Tobin, but sometimes I’m not too.”

I drive the rest of the way in silence until Christen wakes up. We’re right outside of Portland when she does. She gives me a sleepy smile. Like all her smiles, to me it looks like the most beautiful smile in the entire world.


	2. Christen I

_Christen I_

_A few weeks later._

We’re in New York City. Her and I. We’re sharing a hotel room, as always when we travel as part of the national team. That’s how it started, us being bus buddies and hotel roomies, wasn’t it?

It’s early, before even the sun is up, but I can’t sleep. So I get up to start getting ready for the day. Tobin is asleep still though. She’s sprawled out on her bed, mouth agape and drooling. Hair all messed up. Somehow it’s endearing on her. Cute even. Somehow she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. That’s what she does to me. I recall that she has always slept a lot. I look at the clock. It is 4AM. Gosh, I should still be sleeping too. I turn the light back off, and get back into my bed. Maybe I can still get a few hours rest.

Sleep evades me though. I keep looking over to the other twin bed. She’s only a few feet from me, but it seems farther. She thought I was sleeping during that drive. I was, going in and out, but I heard everything Tobin said. Why didn’t I say something then? I guess I just didn’t know what to say at the moment. Wanted some time to think through what I would say back. I figured she would tell me, on her own terms, for real, when she was ready. I thought maybe before our Portland romp was over. She didn’t though. Maybe she realized that she didn’t actually feel that way? No, I noticed the way she smiled when she was looking at me, the entire few days we spent together. I was smiling back too.

To fully confess, I’ve been feeling the same way. Honestly I didn’t even entertain the thought she might feel the same too. She’s always so friendly and a bit silly with everyone. I didn’t think I was anything special, just privileged to be someone who gets to enjoy her presence. Tobin though, she said she “might be a little bit in love”. I didn’t even think I was there yet, just an intense crush really. But hearing her say it. Knowing the chances I thought were zero, really aren’t? All my admiration turned up 1000x. Yeah, I think I let myself be a little bit in love now too.

And yet I’m still here in the dark, staring at a dark blob that is barely discernable as human body. It’s her, the one keeping me up, as silent as she is now. I’m still thinking about how she didn’t say anything after all. I guess she could just be shy though when it comes to these things though. I don’t want to wait anymore though. Why couldn’t I have just said something that night in the car? Or if I did want some time to think, why not at the end of our trip? Why not anytime in-between? We have a game tomorrow, so I can’t do it now. I don’t want to mess with her game day head, so I’ll wait until after. I have to fix this though. I will fix it.

Still, doubt crosses my mind about what she’ll say. Will she be mad that I heard and didn’t say anything all these weeks? Her, saying she had feelings for me? It’s almost too good to be true. What if I was dreaming in the car? No, I tell myself. It definitely happened. I know that. What I don’t know, is if what you said was real, or just a spur of the moment, late night, tired, bored-from-driving, ramble. I’m gonna tell her I heard though. Even if she has to let me down, I know she’ll do it gently. I have to know.

I close my eyes. I’m tired, not having slept much the whole night. With a decision made to confront everything head on tomorrow, I feel a tiny bit more at ease. Still, it’s mainly the exhaustion that finally puts me to sleep.


	3. Tobin II

_Tobin II_

I had an awesome game. A goal and an assist. Literally feeling like I’m top of the world. I was looking forward to this trip so much. For the game, and because I knew I would be seeing the team and Christen too. Just knowing we had a few days to be around each other amped me up.

Christen didn’t have a bad game, but she wasn’t at her peak self either. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said she didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I didn’t press her for further details. After the game, the win had everyone, Christen included, looking pretty happy though. The hotel we’re all staying at set us up a rooftop party. We’re celebrating our victory.

Ashlyn wants me to do Karaoke. I don’t want to and have to keep telling her no. Finally, Allie steps in and says she will do it with me. I say okay then. At least I won’t embarrass myself alone. We aren’t very good. The rest of team is laughing at our horrible singing. Christen is shaking her head, but she’s smiling too. It makes me sing louder and more obnoxiously, trying to get them all to laugh more. It works. Kelley snorts beer out her nose, and then we all laugh at that.

I find Christen after the karaoke. I just want to talk to her. A part of me wants to tell her. I’ve been thinking more and more about it since the night I drove her to Portland. I’m still scared though.

We go over to the edge of the building, and it’s quieter there. Christen comments on how beautiful the skyline looks at night. I say it looks busy. We talk about the game and our clubs. We keep each other pretty filled on each others’ lives between seeing each other, but it seems I never run out of things to talk about with her.

Christen looks out over the city again. I look at the city for a moment too, but I find myself looking at her once more. She catches my gaze, but I don’t look away. She looks down for a moment, than back up at me. Something about it tells me she knows. Oh, no. I blew it. I was too obvious, and now I’ve ruined the whole thing.

Her smile tells me everything is okay though. I’m nervous, frozen. Maybe she doesn’t know, just thinks I’m being a goof.

“Tobin, do you remember night a few weeks ago when you drove me to Portland?”

“Yeah,” I say. My heart is about to beat out of my chest.

“I think you thought I was sleeping. You said some things that meant a lot to me.”

I feel my face flush red. She heard all that? Oh, shit.

“Tobin, do you mean everything you said, like really?”

I’m all in now. There’s no turning back. I fidget with my hat. I want to look down at my feet, but I force myself not to. To stay looking at Christen.

“Yeah, yeah,” I say. I don’t know why, but I feel a bit embarrassed, even a bit teary eyed from all the distilled emotion. “I... I... like you a lot. You’re the most incredible person I know and I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.”

I look down, poking my shoe against nothing. It’s only for a half second though. Christen reaches towards me, and I look back up at her. She brushes some stray hairs out of my face and behind my ear. We hold each other’s stares for a second. She gives me a little smile, and I give her one back.

“So... you?” I ask. I’m still not much for words.

“Yeah. Me too,” says Christen.

“I’ve honestly had a bit of a crush on you for a while Tobin Heath.”

My little smile turns into a big one. Christen blushes a bit. We hug, her chin tucked in next my shoulder. Relief washes over me, probably the both of us. No more secrets. It feels good.


	4. Christen II

_Christen II_

I had been thinking about what I would say to her all evening. What was the right way to bring it up? When was the best time, most appropriate place? Finally I got Tobin to sneak off with me for a moment. After that it was all a blur. I didn’t feel frozen, but not quite in control either. I was just doing what I knew had to be done. Once I decided it was time, the words just flowed from my mouth.

And then when I heard her say it, it was like time stopped. It was the only thing that mattered.

Tobin was incredibly brief in her follow-up, returning the question I had asked her. I knew what she meant though. Even before I answered, she had a tiny half smile on one side of her mouth. Full of optimism, and I think she knew just as well as I did what the answer was. I was happy to give it to her anyway. The way she smiled after, I thought, I want to make her smile like that every day.

She fell into me with an embrace. She was so tense just a few moments ago, and I felt all that leave her.

Tobin asked, “So what now?”

“We try it out. See how ‘Us’ goes.”

“It’s gonna be hard,” she said, “With our schedules, and traveling, and living so far apart.”

“All we can do is try.”

“I feel like we have to.”

After our chat by the edge of the rooftop, we go back to the party. We’re both trying to act like normal, but it’s too liberating to not have to try to hide my stolen glances. They’re really not stolen anymore anyhow. We keep catching each other, eyes fixated on one another, whether we are across the party of right next to each other. As the night goes on, I can’t seem to leave Tobin’s side for very long without wanting to get back to her though. Eventually, the music gets turned down and the lights dim. Half the team have retreated back to their rooms to collapse into sleep. The rest of us are all sitting close to one another, regaling in old stories.

Tobin is next to me, and she runs her finger tips up and down my forearm a few times. It’s electric. I place my palm on her knee. Her eyes connect with mine for just a moment as we listen to Pinoe talk about her and her twin getting in antics as teenagers.

Finally, the last of us decide it’s time to call it quits for the night. We make our way back to our room. We’re both tired and just crawl into my bed. It’s not the first time she’s slept in my bed, falling asleep watching movies and whatnot, but its special this time. Unlike any time before, Tobin curls up, head tucked into my shoulder. I put my arm around her back, my hand on her side, and rest my head on hers. I have this feeling of peace I haven’t felt for a while. She is out after what seems like only a few seconds. I’m holding her here in my arms, and here in my heart too. This moment, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.


	5. Tobin III

_Tobin III_

Leaving her is harder than I thought it would be. I mean, we’ve said goodbye to each other countless times before. I should be a pro at this whole thing, but I’m not. It’s this whole ups and downs on the roller coaster of life stuff. The highs are great, but when you compare them to the in-between moments of life, those in-between moments seem disappointing. They’re painful sometimes too, even when they really aren’t all that bad. Getting on a plane by itself is just something people do every day. Doing it today, well, I just try not to think about it too much and put my headphones on. I’m trying to keep my mind on the music. Half the songs remind me of Christen though, so I have to keep hitting skip.

I do take joy in one thing though. I think back to the morning, when we still had a few hours before we would have to say goodbye.

Christen is slowly packing her things. She’s watching me lounge on my bed. I haven’t even started packing. We have plenty of time. Christen just likes to be prepared and get things done early.

“Hey Christen,” I say, “Can I call you when we’re both home tonight?”

“Yeah sure,” she says with a smile. She folds a T-shirt neatly and places in her suitcase.

I get up and brush non-existent dirt of my sweatpants. “We better get to breakfast,” I say, “I don’t want to travel on an empty stomach.” Breakfast also doubles a goodbye session for the team too. 

Christen finishes folding the piece of clothing in her hands. She follows my lead as I swagger towards the door. I hold it open for her.

The recalling of the memory is cut short. They’re calling for us to board and Lindsey is grabbing me. “Come on Tobin!” she says, “We don’t wanna miss our flight!”

The other Thorns make a few lighthearted jokes about me always being in my own world. I pull my headphones off and joke them with a little.

“Thanks for looking after me you guys. You all know I’m just a big kid.”

We board the plane and get settled. It doesn’t seem very long after that we have taken off and are at cruising altitude. I rest my head against the window, and my thoughts go back to the morning, where I left off daydreaming about.

After breakfast, I do start packing. Christen has her suitcase zipped up and ready to go and I’ve barely started. She starts helping me.

“Hey, you don’t need to do that,” I say.

“I want to. You know, so we might be able to just hang out for a bit before we leave.”

At that moment I realize, not for the first time, that Christen is way smarter than me. Yeah, if I had packed earlier, we could be out getting coffee of something. A _real_ first date. In my head, I’m hitting myself over it.

I don’t fold clothes as neatly as Christen, but I usually put some effort into it. Not this time though, I haphazardly through all my things into the suitcase as quickly as possible. It takes way too long to get it shut though. Christen ends up having to sit on it while I zip.

“For someone who wears hoodies and sweatpants half the time, you sure have a lot of clothes!” she jokes.

“Hey, I’m a hoodie connoisseur. I have a lot of them.”

Now that we are done packing, a dose of reality washes over the both of us. We are in this fragile beginning of something new, and now we have to say goodbye. We both sit down, side by side on the bed.

“When will be the next time I see you?” Christen asks. She’s always direct and decisive, knows what she wants to know, and isn’t afraid to ask for it. Still, she’s almost like a little kid asking for another serving of dessert from grandma.

“Our clubs play each other in 10 days,” I say, “I looked it up this morning.”

“And we said we’ll call later today,” I add.

We’re both nervous. We don’t know how this is gonna work. We’re really just winging it. It’s normal for my lifestyle, but I suspect Christen likes more structure to her life.

I can see the edge in the way her forehead creases. She’s thinking on something, trying to figure out how to say what she wants to.

“Tobin I don’t know if I can wait that long,” she says.

I’m a bit confused. I don’t want to wait 10 days either, but before I can reply, she continues, “to do this.”

She grabs my face on either side, with both her hands and plants a kiss on me, lips to lips. It takes me a half second to register what’s happening, but I kiss her back. It’s a very tame kiss, but all the nerves in my face are sizzling with energy.

After we just look at each other for a moment, half in disbelief. I know my mouth is hanging agape like an idiot. By Christen’s face, I think she might think I was caught too much off guard, or thought it was all too rushed.

Before she can say anything, I say, “Can we do that again?”

She flashes a grin. “I just didn’t want to wait for our first kiss."

I stand up, and hold my hand palm up. She takes it, and I bring her up to stand with me. We’re facing each other. I hold her hand in mine for a few seconds before wrapping my arms her back. She puts hers around my neck and we kiss again. It’s still pretty tame, but we both get to enjoy it a bit more. She’s not under the spell of spontaneity, and I’m not in shock. This one last a bit longer.

“I’ll remember this until we see each other again,” I say.

Back on the plane, the flight attendant is almost to my aisle, taking people’s orders for drinks. It brings me back to the present. I brush my lips with my fingertips, still kind of in disbelief, but in bliss too.


	6. Christen III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. I will probably write more preath, but I think this is a good spot to end this fic. Thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos, or dropped a kind comment. I see and read all of them, and all are appreciated :)

_Christen III_

The first few months were really difficult for us. I think we almost ended things three separate times out of frustration. It was really because we hardly saw each other. Then, the season ended and our little experiment began to thrive. No one was surprised when I told them Tobin was coming to visit me for a week. We’ve been close as friends for a while, and no one thought twice about it. It was fun, our little secret that just the two of us knew. Being in person with each other for the week, it gave us the time we needed. The time to establish and work out how each other communicated. How we liked to show affection. It built a solid base that afterwards, when we were apart again, we could stand on. That week saved our relationship.

I learned that Tobin doesn’t really like texting. She’d much rather you call her, so she can hear your voice and inflections. Video chat was even better for her. At the same time, she became understanding that sometimes I want to hear from here when a phone call is not viable. And how nice it is to wake up to a good morning text (or from her, a goodnight text from the night before because she stays up late).

I still remember at the end of that week too, Tobin getting all flustered in thought, wanting to tell me something. Finally she got it off her chest.

“Christen, have you told anyone about us?”

“No. Have you?” It was kind of something unspoken between us, that we hadn’t mentioned it to anyone. Just because, up until that week, we knew we were still working things out.

“No, I haven’t either,” she said, “But I was thinking, you know with the holidays coming up, I know my folks are gonna ask me if I’m seeing anyone. I don’t want to lie to them.”

I felt okay with the thought of telling my family. I know Tobin is close to her family too, and I totally understood about not wanting to be deceptive. I had told my parents about my relationships before, but I had no idea if Tobin had.

“I think it could be good to tell our families. How do you feel about it Tobes?” I wanted to know more about her situation with her parents. There were things I didn’t know.

“I know they want to see me happy, and they’ll know I am if I say I’m with you.”

I start digging it bit more. I go slowly because I don’t want to push her too hard.

“Have you ever told your parents about any of your relationships?” I ask. I know Tobin has mentioned a few here and there over the years, but I can’t name any them off the top of my head.

“Not in a few years. When I was in school and right after though, yeah.”

Here comes the big one. “Do they know you’re gay?” It’s weird because even before we were together we knew each other were attracted to women. It definitely came up in conversation amongst the team every now and then. But I didn’t actually know the answer to this specific question for Tobin.

“Um, I’ve never explicitly told them. But I think they sort of know.”

This was the answer I was a little bit afraid of. “Tobin,” I say, “You can’t just let them assume. Sometimes our parents’ generation will do mind flips in order to see things align with their status quo.”

She looks at me in pause. She’s getting the message, but I want it to be clear. “You’re gonna have to them you’re _dating_ me. Not just ‘we’ve been getting close’ or something like that. I just don’t want there to be a misunderstanding.”

“No, No. You’re right,” she says.

“How do you think they’ll react? I remember back during that car ride you mentioned your faith and your family.”

Tobin thinks for a moment. She knows what car ride I’m referring to and the words I’m referring to. It’s a serious conversation we’re having, but while I’m waiting the few seconds, I can’t help but think how cute she looks with her eyebrows furrowed and forehead creased.

“Yeah. Honestly, it’s something I go back to when I’m doubting myself. It’s like, am I really this person, or am I just pretending? I haven’t felt that way... well since we got together. I honestly think they’ll be fine with it. They’re pretty understanding and open minded people.”

“That’s good to hear. And I’m not saying they won’t be receptive... but what if they aren’t?”

Tobin cocks her head slightly. She picks up on the concern in my voice. “What do you mean by that?” she says. I know she means ‘What happened that makes you ask that question?’

“Coming out to my parents was easy,” I say, “Even to my grandmother, she just hugged me and said she would always love me. But... it isn’t like that for everyone.”

Tobin studies me carefully. I can tell she wants to ask me something, but isn’t sure if it’s her place to. I want her to be completely open and transparent with me. I know an open line of communication is vital. I nod letting her know she won’t upset me.

“Did something happen with someone you know?” she finally asks.

I’m hesitant. I kind of knew this was the direction she was heading in though, so I wouldn’t have encouraged her if I wasn’t ready to answer. I try to be general though. It isn’t completely my story to tell.

“Yeah, back in college, I dated this amazing girl. I was love, Tobin, I really was.”

I could tell the thought of me being in love with someone else made Tobin a twinge jealous. She did her best not to show it though, and that’s all I can ask.

“She had a really tough time getting up the courage to tell her parents though,” I continue, “It took a really long time, but one weekend she was going home, and promised me she would tell them. I wanted to go with her, but she insisted it was something she had to alone.”

Tobin could feel this story didn’t have a happy ending. I could see it in the way she held her mouth tense and slightly open.

“When she came back, she went directly to me in tears. She said her parents told her they would never accept her if she was dating a woman. They would kick her out from the family, never talk to her again. It was so sad, Tobes. She was so close to them, her parents, her siblings, her cousins, her grandparents. She couldn’t bear to be without them. So she broke up with me, even though it broke her heart. It broke mine too.”

“Huh,” was all Tobin said. There was a pause for a moment.

“Does that remind you of me?” she then asked a bit timidly, “Cause’ I’m really close to my family too?”

“A little bit, yeah,” I admitted, “Maybe it’s selfish of me to think this way, because you have way more at stake than me. You’re holding my heart though. I hope you know that Tobin Heath. And I mean that in the best of ways, but also if you have to go up against your family, it will hurt you, but it could end up hurting me too.”

Tobin took my hands, and made sure I was looking her right in the eye. “That’s not a selfish thing to say. I promise you right now, I’ll never break up with you because of my family’s opinion of our relationship. I promise you that, a million times over, right now.”

“Ok,” I say. I feel better now, knowing Tobin has my back. “I think we should tell out families then. They should be the first to know.”

“I’m actually kind of excited,” said Tobin, “A part of me wants to call them right now.” Tobin says it as a joke, and she’s laughing, but I know her well enough to know that she’s also really considering it too.

“Please don’t,” I say, sighing through a grin.

“Okay, okay,” she says, “they deserve the whole ‘I’m seeing someone’ conversation in person anyway. Even if it _was_ a dude!”

Tobin rubs my shoulder as I give her a small smile.

“My parents are going to want to meet you,” I say.

“They know who I am.” She thinks she’s clever. It’s cute.

“Tobin...”

Before I can finish my thought, Tobin interjects, “I know, I know. It’s different.” She gives me a reassuring kiss on the top of my head.

In the end, Tobin was right about her parents and family. They weren’t upset, if maybe a bit surprised. Tobin’s older sister told her later, in private, she had suspected she wasn’t straight for a while though.

That seems like forever ago now. A universe where we aren’t together? Incomprehensible.

We have a brief pause in our both, insanely, hectic lives. We’re in California, just hanging out on the beach, trying to let our sore muscles have a few days off. Well, I am. Tobin talks about it, but she couldn’t resist riding a few waves anyway. She’s sitting here with me now though, under the sun and amongst the warm white sand.

She pulls her phone out to check a message from her mom, who is telling us to have fun and enjoy the few free days. She also says she misses us and wants to see us both soon. Tobin clarifies that it is her mom that uses the word “both”, not just her extrapolating.

“I think she likes you more than me now,” she pouts.

“As she should.”

Tobin just shakes her head, but she’s smiling too. She moves closer to me, and runs her fingers along my forearm, just as she has always done since we confessed our feelings to each other in New York City. I put my arm around her, and that gets her to stop fidgeting so much, now that she has what she wants. All I can think is, Tobin is everything to me, my world, and how lucky I am just to be here holding her.

She looks at me, equally happy as I am. “You have my heart,” she says, smitten as ever.

“You ARE my heart,” I say back to her. 


End file.
